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7 comments| Drop A Load Whore Times [12 Nov 2006|03:49pm] [ mood | devious ] [ music | Die Mother Fuckers - Ghetto Boys ] Sup whore. I wear those bandaids on my knee because I cleverly decided to leave our apartment and walk a few km's to the park at 6am in the morning. Now generally this is an okay thing to do, but considering I currently reside in the most dangerous neighbourhood in Southern Nevada (for example, over 1593 crimes happened in this area over the last 60 days), not such a great plan. Less than 0.5km into my journey, I ran into a homeless guy trying to sell a stolen gold necklace. I was then chased down the street by a guy trying to persuade me into his car, as he mistook me for a prostitute due to me abiding by traffic laws and standing on the corner while waiting for my cue to cross. He clearly wasn't happy with my reluctancy, and decided to follow me. While I ran for my life, I tripped over and scrapped my knee across a rocky path. He drove away. Decided to turn back and limp home with blood dripping down my leg, but not before being followed by a black guy who was cat-whistling me and trying to start a conversation. Can I also mention that I was dressed NOTHING like above. Otherwise it might make slight sense. Guys here seemingly have low standards when it comes to their dick and finding somewhere to put it. Just ask my boyfriend. ;)

Drop A Load No cut for this! [15 Jul 2006|06:22pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Ironspy - Splashdown ] Not in the best of moods this evening, having finished the 3 week holiday I just had with my darling Michael. Even worse having to see him off this morning on his flight back to Las Vegas. We dropped our rental car off and managed to score a free lift to the airport, and only a $100 fee for the scrape we made on the front corner of our Liana hatch. Oops... I tried to be a calm Belle when Mike left, but when he began moving and ushering me into the customs area, I stopped in my tracks and told him I couldn't go any further before bursting into tears. (Nice going) Lots of hugs and kisses in my direction and continuous failed attempts to say our goodbyes and part, but the inevidable eventually had to happen. I suppose on the bright side of things, we decided for me to fly to Las Vegas in a few months for a week to visit him, so it won't be half a year till we next meet. As soon as he arrives home though, we're finalising the paperwork and applications to submit for the student Visa. If all goes well, we'll be moving in together sometime between January-February. I really should be fucking smiling but I'm sitting here feeling miserable and empty while the slow reality sinks in that I'll be sleeping alone once again. As far as the holiday goes, the best time I've ever had. It's a break long awaited, being that it's been 2 years since my last break from work. I needed to get away. And most of all, I really needed to spend some quality time with Michael. All of the above was achieved successfully, and I have a lot of happy memories to now look back on. I have to say, shamelessly biased and all, that I believe I have the best boyfriend a girl could possibly ask for. He never fails to amaze me, and it's nice to have people envy our relationship for once. For people to envy a long distance relationship of all things, almost escapes me. But seeing our relationship from the outside looking in, witnessing our closeness, our ability to speak for over 8hrs every day without fail and always look forward to it, to be willing to give up everything for each other, is really something to cherish and hold dear. It's nice to have confidence in a relationship. Refreshing to hear people say that Mike and I have the most vibrant and close relationship they've ever seen. Nice to feel love and be loved so much in return. It makes someone like me, who generally feels so small and worthless, feel endless joy. That although I see not so much value in myself, that someone I look up to and admire can find a place in their heart to love me too. It's also a wonderful feeling just lying together with entwined hands, studying the gold rings (with our names engraved on each) we wear on our wedding fingers. We like to refer to them as commitment rings. Not quite engagement rings, we wear them to show our commitment to each other and our relationship while we are still oceans apart. Though for the most part, I'm rather secretive about our relationship. I like having that sanctuary that only we can enter and understand. It's not that easy trying to explain how it's been with us two from the very begin. We've only just celebrated our 10 month anniversary, but with the time and effort we dedicate to our relationship, it honestly feels like a lot longer. And that's both a great and strange realisation. Anyway, I'm rambling in all my ponderings and being all sorrowful and awed at the same time, that I've forgotten to really write about the actual trip and what went about, so I'm going to have to come back again later and detail everything. I have to get ready for an engagement at the moment though, so I'll.... write again in a few days or something. I hope you're all doing well and taking care, and I hope to hear from you soon! PS: I started eating again on holiday. I put a little on during the trip, but I'm hoping to stop starving myself full time after this anyway, and work on healthier methods to keep my weight low! Go me. :) PPS: Here's a few pictures from the trip I uploaded earlier. Passing time before a Coldplay concert, though I think we made out a fair bit during the actual concert alsoooo... heh WONDERFUL performance by Coldplay though. We saw them again two days later, 3 rows from the front. Had a grand time. :) Near our first Great Ocean Road cottage, at Airey's Inlet. Sneaky bed blanket stealer! Innocent expressions did not spare him of this crime, trust me. Again before Coldplay concert. I was bored and snap happy. Sorry Mike! Courteousy of an awesome professional make up artist and hair stylist!

3 comments| Drop A Load DUN DUN [06 Jan 2006|03:20pm] [ mood | giddy ] [ music | Down With You - Ellie Lawson ] Uhm... HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY FOR ME! I am such a loser that I get to spend my birthday alone, get drunk alone, and buy my own birthday cake. Hoorah for Belle! :D *confetti* Greed: Medium   Gluttony: Medium   Wrath: High   Sloth: Medium   Envy: Medium   Lust: Medium   Pride: High

1 comment| Drop A Load ladida+ [01 Dec 2005|07:02pm] [ mood | curious ] [ music | By The Way - Red Hot Chili Peppers ] I was such the wailer. Happy 24th birthday, Michael! It was definitely fun blowing out our birthday cakes from across the world. I just wish I resisted eating it! :( I probably should have also just resisted the leftover scallop potatoes in my fridge. I had every intention of throwing it back up until I remembered my promise to Michael. My jaded cycle and borderline-ness needs to remain in a hidden box. :O Looks like I'm flying to Sydney for my 20th. Am likely going to finally have a consultation for my upcoming nose job while I'm there. I AM TOO EXCITED. My birthday's are generally very depressing ones where I sit in my bedroom alone, but I'm going to make sure my next one is at least half decent. Hopefully Michael and I will repeat last night and buy two birthday cakes to celebrate and poke candles into. Sitting in my room alone (though admittedly, on the phone) to Michael, on my upcoming birthday, is far from depressing however. I am such a loner but I don't mind right now! And before I forget... I officially have to work 62hrs this coming week. Now generally I pull in close to 50, but another 12hrs on top of that is just ridiculous! Afterall, I need at least 7hrs a night on the telephone. GOSH!!!!11

Drop A Load Bron [10 Nov 2005|07:28am] [ mood | crushed ] Why it always the good ones that have to go?

3 comments| Drop A Load Flashback [25 Sep 2005|04:58pm] [ mood | nostalgic ] [ music | Moon And Back - Savage Garden ] "She's taking her time making up the reasons To justify all the hurt inside Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one"

Drop A Load Dear, dear. [22 Sep 2005|06:55am] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | Asia At Odd Hours - Splashdown ] ME: What's that noise in the background? MIKE: Sorry, that's an aeroplane flying over. ME: Can you turn it off? MIKE: What? ME: Oh wait, nevermind...

Drop A Load gg [18 Sep 2005|07:46pm] [ music | idk ] i'm ttriyng to convicne mike that we shou;ld get married in las vegas. whu is this so funny? i havent beenb this druynk in afges. iu havnet any idea wbnat to do with myself. WTFERSl love me i suckd/

Drop A Load Shit [03 Sep 2005|03:50pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Mayan Pilot - Splashdown ] This afternoon I threw up for the first time in months. After days of infrequent meals, I ate too much and an old, familiar feeling casted over me. Back to the toilet bowl. I am incredibly messed up, but I now regret this. People are out there starving, and I'm in no mood to succumb to past obsessions. This was a once off. I will continue to appreciate my meals as they come. Hello old friend, and goodbye again. -Annabelle PS: Laura, please get your butt online. Or meet me on the bus. The sexy Friday one I no longer board. May my bus spirit be with you, mad woman.

1 comment| Drop A Load The weak one; [28 Sep 2004|11:38pm] [ mood | aggravated ] Breathe. Relax. Stay calm. If I exude bitterness long enough, I may be able to conceal the fact that I'm only pushing away the pain for a later time. There is a lot of hurt, confusion - it's not just over with a knock of the foot or a turn of the head. Being bitter may make getting over you easier for now, but what about later? This bubble is bound to burst sometime, and it's not going to be pretty. I hate you so much for betraying me, but you're just like every other person in my life who I've been close to. You've all burnt me somehow, and I don't particularly find it fair. You were the only person I ever came close to truly trusting in the last few years, and you threw it all in my face. I can't trust anyone. Hell, I can't even trust myself. Sometime after tonight I will need to grow more independant and lack emotion. If I could stop 'feeling' in the next few months, I'd be ever so grateful. I need to numb this intense ache, and I need to stop these tears. Yes, I'm weak. But when have I ever stated otherwise?

Drop A Load fgfs [23 Aug 2004|12:38am] [ mood | shocked ] Had a bad night, but two things made up for it later on... I am such a groupie. But a happy one at that, right now.

2 comments| Drop A Load Food-less [19 Aug 2004|11:47pm] [ mood | sick ] The great thing about falling sick, is not wanting to eat. No cravings or bingeing of any sort, because food is the last thing on my mind. Thanks Lindsay for passing on your germs. I wish I would catch the flu more often. My ass would be very thankful indeed.

3 comments| Drop A Load [18 Aug 2004|08:32pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | Serenity Painted Death - Opeth ] Okay, where the hell did my good mood just go? MMM, I feel like throwing up. Maybe my body is just compensating for what I haven't done today. I did it 7 times yesterday. I hate having days off. It gives me too much time to binge and throw. And far too much time to think. If anybody has $7000 they can lend me for a nosejob (almost typed blowjob there) please let me know. Still waiting upon tongue piercing, hair mutilation and dyeing, dieting to death, and colored eye contacts. Starting to see a pattern here. Trying not to be me, because being me is a sign of failure. Anybody like myself currently looking to get thousands of dollars on loan from her bank so she may have her nose broken, sliced and reshaped, needs a life. But wouldn't that be nice? J: have you guys seen my vid yet? P: Where is it? J: picture section Belle: I just saw it. Your pubic hair reminds me of a forest. Someone better shave that shit soon before it grows out of control and suffocates us all. P: Haha J: it's been trimmed sweetheart. You can get back on your knees Belle: I think not. That piece of meat looks WAY past it's due by date. J: I can tell you don't know me very well Belle: There's nothing else to know. Go set your pubes on fire. Ahhh, the good old days.

Drop A Load Hmm-ing. [15 Aug 2004|06:23pm] [ mood | contemplative ] I'm the dirt you walk upon, the rocks you throw, the trash you litter, and the memories you often abandon. Where were you when I needed you? Where were any of you, in fact? When I'm crying myself to sleep at night, where are your arms to comfort me? Where is your soothing voice to remind me I'm not alone? To reassure me that everything's okay? That perhaps...I'M okay? I would do a lot for my friends. For those I am close to, I would bend myself backwards just to let them know that I care. Sometimes when I'm feeling down, I will question their friendship. Wonder whether they would do the same for me if they were in my position. It's silly, I know. But I have been through that before...MANY times before. I've been shoved, torn, and liquified by those who held secure places in my heart. I now know no true trust. In fact, I have never completely trusted anybody. I'm an isolated girl behind caged doors, crawling in search for stray scraps on the floor. Any reason to feel hopeful. And those times when I come up empty handed, my mind searches for reasons to 'escape'. Reasons to take me away from this lingering misery that beats in my heart, all day, every day. Sometimes people forget that I'm not always the 'happy go lucky' girl I often make myself out to be. I have so many insecurities, and so many doubts. Deep down I'm always hurting, but after three years of experience, I have learnt to bottle it up until I'm all alone in this room, crying like the pathetic little girl that I am. I don't know whether it is obvious, or whether people even realise it yet...but sometimes the lonely need love too.

Drop A Load Teethlings. [19 Jul 2004|03:04am] [ mood | crazy ] My teeth would look so hot chewing off your labia.

Drop A Load [14 Jul 2004|01:06am] [ mood | tired ] Boyfriend; Troy This was not actually a planned shot. Taken the morning before he left for Wellington. He looks quite tired. We both were. And I am the evil girlfriend who wouldn't let him have a haircut till he left. I don't like my men almost bald. Evil I. Was our two year anniversary on the 30th of June, too. Congrats to us. And my 10kg weight gain. I'm hiding in my room until further notice.

Drop A Load Hunting The Hunter [09 Jul 2004|02:04pm] [ mood | bored ] Praying Mantis Photoshoot

2 comments| Drop A Load Like a fucking emo-zoid. [23 Jun 2004|08:52pm] [ mood | aggravated ] As per usual, I am not feeling quite so well this evening. We could call this being bored, feeling lost, or cut to the chase and deem it depression. It's but a seemingly regular wave of chaotic turmoil that is I. I wander between being emotionally drained and just letting my mind wander off into the mist while my cheerful chatter falsifies my sense of self. I wonder when my mask will begin to peel and reveal everything I work so hard to conceal. I've found myself slipping back into past fears which for a short while I thought I had kicked. I fear being around certain people, so much that I will try and avoid their presence whenever possible. I repulse myself, and I fear looking into their eyes to find a similar reflection. More than anything, I wanted them to realise that in many ways I do appreciate their company, but feel that I fall short of what they'd expect from me as a person. It hurts to be forgotten, but it's what I deserve. Lately I've been melancholy due to a few hiccups that have caused a few unwanted kilos to accumilate against me. What wonderful timing, considering Troy will be arriving on Sunday and will have to put up with my fat-ass self for 2 weeks. Should I be honest? A part of me doesn't even want him here right now. Considering he is the only real thing I have in this world, trying to shove him out of my life could prove disastrous once I begin the process of regret. Don't get me wrong, I do love him. It's just sad when you have so little to live for. Binge and puke, binge and puke. It just goes to show that old habits don't necessarily die hard. After 3 1/2 years you'd think I'd know better. You'd think I would have recovered by now. I'm still classified as a fucking bulimic. Still indulging in the calorie binges that brings on the tears as I repeatedly shove my fingers down my throat until I regurgitate time after time again. Until my stomach muscles begin to convulse & spasm. Until there is nothing left to vomit. It's a 'normal' element of my everyday life. Something that doesn't require much thought beforehand. Feed the hunger, and reverse. It really seems that simple, but the emotional and physical damage involved don't quite work in one's favour. I know the consequences, I've never needed anybody to point out the flaws. I am already quite aware - I know a lot about nutrition and fitness, just like I know how to lose weight if need be. Yet it's no longer used as means of weight loss, it's my addiction. My obsession. In fact, it works against me in the sense that not everything from a typical binge can be removed fast enough for minimal absorption. The hunger, the pangs, the guilt, eat away at me beyond my point of self-control. Nonetheless, I will never let my parents throw me into rehab. I've been threatened with this countless times but I refuse to be treated like a charity case. Call me stubborn, but I almost feel like I have to let this one slide. Even if it causes problems to my health. Even if I'm already on the edge about having to get x-rays and ultrasounds done soon. Because my body is already a mess as it is. Let it fucking break.

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